At the age of 12, while seated on the riverbank, I found myself entranced by the gentle ripples of the water. A solitary tear escaped my eye, and a profound sense of emptiness washed over me, coursing through my veins, evoking fear. Despite having loving parents, a comfortable home, and healthy siblings, I grappled with this sudden void, unable to fully comprehend its origin.

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In a moment of stillness, enveloped by silence, a soft breeze caressed my face, carrying a hint of sea salt in the air, imbued with a chilling essence, magnifying my sense of emptiness.

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By the age of 16, I relocated to another state, residing in a hostel, distanced from my familiar circle of friends and family, I raised myself.

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At 17, I found myself pregnant without familial support. Naïve and navigating a path fraught with emptiness, I opted to embrace single motherhood due to the tumultuous relationship with my daughter's father, who battled bipolar disorder and profound personal trauma. Electing to depart from this toxic and unstable relationship was a pivotal decision for the well-being of my daughter and me, recognizing that I was barely  holding on to life

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At 18, I found myself in the role of a young single mother, lacking experience and understanding in the realm of parenthood. This period was marked by countless sleepless nights, vividly remembering those moments when my daughter's inconsolable cries filled the air. I meticulously checked off the fundamental needs of a child: ensuring she was fed, changing her diaper, offering a warm bath, or contemplating if she was simply fatigued. Despite my efforts, her crying persisted. Overwhelmed by a sense of helplessness, fear, and isolation, I found solace in holding her close, cradling her in my arms. I just lay with her crying, helplessly.

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My emptiness produced a lifestyle filled with self-sabotage. You name it, I did it, from drug and alcohol misuse, loss of friendships, to destructive relationships filled with nothing more than violence, poison, and abuse. Self-respect diminished and out the door went dignity. Hey, why not? Everything else had disappeared! 

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As life went by, I continued on this path of destruction, making choices revolving around high-risk situations and stupidity, simply based on the small fact that I still lacked insight into this thing we call self-love.

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Depressed, hating life, fear, pain - all smothering my soul. A black cloud hovering over me and the soul I had left, quickly deteriorating, appearing not far from lifeless.

Over time, it became apparent that the choices I continued to make were, in fact, based on my own hidden, embedded chaos with the unspoken intragenerational trauma.

 

Materialistic items, substance abuse, destructive relationships - all gave me nothing!

 

Pointing the finger outwards to blame the world, friends and family it felt safer than to look within, as this concept to look within, give a feeling that was so foreign to me, but yet how ironic can this truly be! To get to know the true inner self would scare the shit out of me! We are a stranger to our own inner world! To connect within is feared by many!

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We often invest significant time and energy into superficial relationships and social media, seeking fleeting gratification that can lead to adverse effects such as depression, emptiness, disconnection, anxiety, and shame. In our pursuit of attention and validation through online platforms, we overlook the genuine interactions we crave, perpetuating a cycle that leaves us feeling increasingly unfulfilled and detached.

Amidst this pursuit of external validation, the true connection we seek lies within, its our inner souls. By listening attentively, we can discover profound truths that resonate with our inner selves.

   

Feeling so worn down, shattered and fragile. It was at this point I hit my T- intersection to life To end life , seeming straightforward but to heal life, this path, presents more challenging then ever! Well this was a whole new level, it meant I had to address my inner demons I had to learn how TO lOVE, TO TRUST, TO FORGIVE, and TO FEEL PAIN. This change had to begin, not with everyone else but from me, within! It required me to be true to myself, addressing my own inner bullshit.

 

Enough was enough! My band-aid approaches to life were no longer serving these inner wounds. Becoming unable to cover such pain, by now these wounds were deep, infected, and weeping. The old worn band-aid had to come off.

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The realization dawned upon me that my wounds carried not just my own suffering but also the accumulated pain of my family across generations, a legacy embedded in my very DNA. To commence the healing process, I understood that it must originate from within me, mending the depths of my core, my innermost being, addressing the void within my soul and spirit.

 

The emptiness that I had once disowned, simultaneously provided me with the platform to build a sense of self-worth. Wholeness.

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This realization struck me when I recognized the importance of achieving balance. Embracing moments of emptiness is essential as it fuels an intrinsic motivation to seek completeness, fulfillment, and a sense of connection. Consider the analogy of experiencing depression to understand happiness and joy; without experiencing one, how can we truly appreciate the other? It mirrors the concept of Yin and Yang, illustrating the contrast between hot and cold, or black and white.

 

It was through this understanding that I began to decode my map. I began to do the work with my mistakes through love, verbal rawness, no longer with fear. Love becomes the antidote for my fear.

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It's the universal law (Code); our lessons (Mistakes) that we are truly meant to learn from, will not just disappear if we ignore them. In fact, the more we ignore, the more amplified these lessons will become! Our lessons feed off dismissals, and sadly for some, it may be too late.

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From my experience (mistakes), I learned to FORGIVE (Code) myself, be more kind and gentle to myself, which has given me permission to open the doors to the growth and healing I needed.

 

If you choose not to forgive yourself or others, it can have an impact on your healing, which equals stuttered growth. This means you will continue to carry poison throughout your physical (body), emotional (mind), and spiritual self (soul), embodying your pain. This can then cause you grief, stress, and worries, fertilising unwanted illness.

 

I now use  pain as my fuel. It's the driver for my motivation to excel in everything I'm faced with. Rejection is redirected from higher sources and boredom is my peace. I am blessed and feel blessed to be at a point in my life. I have gratitude, which is my antidote to depression. Utilising my lesson tools, I continue on this human life experience, decoding my map from a place of authenticity, love, and forgiveness being my remedy. No band-aids are required, I've got this!  Self-exploration is a gift.  

 

Foremost, I wish to express my gratitude to each individual, family member, friend, former partners, colleagues, clients, acquaintances, and the broader community. Each of you has contributed significantly to my personal development, offering experiences, scenarios, and opportunities for introspection and self-improvement.

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I express gratitude to those who have supported me unconditionally, empowering me on my genuine path of self-discovery. Thank you sincerely. Immense gratitude is extended to my daughter and mother, my cherished guardian angels, who have been instrumental in my journey. Their unwavering support is the foundation of my resilience. While the bond with my daughter may bear the marks of past trials, it remains a testament to continuous growth and healing. Above all, it is a profound realization that in giving life to her, she, in turn, has enriched and preserved mine. To all those whom I may have inadvertently harmed on my journey, I extend my sincerest apologies and send forth nothing but genuine love and light.

 

 It has been through real tears, pain, laughter, joy, emptiness, and years of dedication to understanding self and forever evolving. Through my work, studies, art, and play, it has all been essential to the development and birthing of who I am today!

 

 

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